Miss Bennet’s Dinner Party
by e.y.e.hawk
Summary: What happens when a high school student has a little TOO much time for summer reading? Nothing good. Warning: much madness and quirky humor inside.


**I. Cast of Characters**

At half past five the ladies of Longbourn retired to dress as the two weddings were quickly approaching Mrs Bennet had a dinner-party planed practically for every night so she might have the privilege of boasting of her two new connections to each of them separately. Though Mrs Bennet was in the highest of spirits as she had been in years Jane and Elizabeth were another story entirely. In fact as they appeared downstairs again an hour later though they were beautifully dressed their faces almost seemed haggard with exhaustion. 

They sat for a moment quietly in the drawing-room as they were a bit early and their mother was still dressing and their father was still in his study and wouldn't be coaxed out until dinner was announced.

"How long will Mary and Kitty be in Meryton?" Jane asked.

"Not much longer I shouldn't think, yesterday they mentioned returning Tuesday."

"I should be glad of their return." Elizabeth readily agreed.

"Who all is it that's coming tonight?" Jane was the oldest and Elizabeth always trusted her with keeping count of family on the false notion that she knew more of them.

"Well...there is Captain Hornblower his wife – you know the Wellesley, Lady Barbara I think it is. Captain Aubrey and his wife who I have met while staying with my uncle and aunt. She is very pleasant and I think you will find her amiable. Then there is General Aubrey the father of the former whose new wife couldn't make it I believe. Then at last there is Mr. Telcontar who I do not know much about besides his being from the north."

"Ah," Elizabeth said trying to take it all in.

The first guest, Mr. Telcontar, was shown in and announced. "This is a dream," he said and bowed. "Good evening Mr. Telcontar," said both Jane and Elizabeth. When he was seated the two proceeded to question him on the weather in the north, and would Mr. Telcontar rather sit with Mr. Bennet?

"I am asleep," was his response.

Before they had time to convince him Captain Hornblower and Lady Barbara were announced. "Good evening Captain Hornblower, Lady Barbara," Elizabeth welcomed them warmly. "Good evening," they said. "Hmm…'good evening'…that could be some sort of French code – I wonder perhaps it would not be safe to stay --- perhaps --- _my God she's a spy!_ I must tell Pellew. Bush give her a full broadside – BUSH – oh damn he's in Portsmouth." Hornblower mumbled. "Excuse me while I medicate my husband – come dear." Lady Barbara took hold of him and left.

"Of Course. Perhaps we should call for our father?

"No – I wouldn't interrupt his time in his study quite yet," said Elizabeth.

"...to disappear entirely is a rare gift," piped in Mr. Telcontar.

The party was finally complete when at last the Aubreys arrived together after which Mr. and Mrs Bennet were finally called for.

"Did you have a good trip up here Mrs Aubrey?" asked Elizabeth.

"Yes."

"How was the weather?" questioned Jane.

"No."

"What's his name again?" asked General Aubrey who was seated next to Mr. Bennet. 

"Who Captain Horatio Hornblower?"

"Captain _horn_ – blower?" the General went into a mad fit of giggles.

"Yes now lets add a drunk to the pudding."

This left Captain Aubrey between Mrs Bennet and Mr. Telcontar.

"Commodore – that is to say Captain Aubrey have you ever met Mr. Darcy? No – he is a very tall handsome sort of man just the thing for my dear Lizzy. Have you ever been to Pemberly?"

"Yes - I mean - well. Do you sing? Stephen says I have a very nice voice – 'very amiable'. Stephen and I are bestest friends. And guess what - I met Lord Nelson. Yep I did and then he asked me for the salt it was soooOOOo cool. HA HA HA You know my mother-in-law used to do that. That is to say my _mother_-in-law…HA HA HA I must remember that one for Stephen – he is my bestest friend."

When Hornblower had taken his meds they both returned, and he on seeing Captain Aubrey mumbled, "Aubrey? Hmm…above me in the Captains List by a couple of years I believe. Looks a bit on the fat-ugly side to me.."

"Hmm? What'd he say?"

"Captain Aubrey I hear you are recently returned from America?" Jane questioned politely.

"Yes me and Stephen my bestest friend are just in from Halifax. Stephen came with me cause heese my bestest friend and and also a physician and also a naturalist he looks at them preddy birdys and also a SHHH! I'm not s'pose to tell. Oh yes we came from HELLifax that is to day Halifax HA HA HA. Yes that was after a big battle and I jumpted from _Shannon_ to _Chesapeake_ and it only took fifteen minutes. But then my cousins died that wasn't so 'ery nice…"

"…fat ugly _and_ stupid…" went on Hornblower.

"Hey Hornblouse I bet my ship os faster than yours- oh that's right your last command went into the water. Sinky sinky!"

"Sinking? What's sinking Mr. Harris signal all ships! Set all sail Mr. Bush! I mean Captain Bush ---Bush BUSH? Some French spy has obviously kidnapped Bush set us alongside her prepare the boarding party – cutlasses and axes ready! BUSH BUSH I need you, where are you?" Hornblower muttered incoherently.

"He is in Portsmouth dear." Barbara said condolingly.

"Mr. Bennet – Mr. Bennet...I must tell you..." Began General Aubrey between giggles. "Napoleon --- he is...SHORT!" Here he burst out into a fit of hysterical laughter. "And and the best part of it it…you know the best part? HE'S GOT A BIG HAT."

"When did you ever meet Napoleon?" Mr. Bennet asked.

"When I blacked out last Tuesday. AND he is a MIDGET! I tell you."

"Yes," Mrs Aubrey added.

"THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!" Mr. Telcontar suddenly shouted.

"You will die as one of what Mr. Telcontar?" Elizabeth asked shocked.

"You have my sword." 

"Indeed?"

"Honeyblower I heards a rumor that you get sick at sea. Like a big fat landlubber!"

"Oh come now Captain Aubrey that wasn't nice poor Horatio here just has a weak stomach and needs his Pepto-Bismol."

"...yes well his author copied my author. That's right mine came first-" Hornblower mumbled.

"HORNBONNET YOU ILLEGITIMATE SON OF KILLICK!"

"...That's 'sir' Hoistratio to you. I'll have to write a letter of complaint. Pass the word for my clerk. Now let's see if I attack her straight on then go a little bit larboard and then a little starboard…then I attach rockets and go straight over the tub I may gain the advantage…I WILL NOT REST OR EAT UNTIL I HAVE DONE MY DUTY! And Forester can fire two broadsides to PO'B's one any day..."

"O'Brian wrote 20 to your measly 11. So there - Hornbore. O'B blows Forester out of the water." Aubrey stuck out his tongue.

"Give no mercy. For you shall receive none!" Mr. Telcontar shouted though it was in Elfish so it just sounded like, "babble babble babble – I'm Viggo look at me! – babble babble babble..."

"...will somebody shut up that weirdo and give him a bloody razor?"

"OooooOo Hornbonfire cursed!"

"At least my author didn't write didn't write a character who couldn't find his own ship with a map and written instructions..."

"ALRIGHT ONE TIME! ----- MY AUTHOR COULD KICK YOUR AUTHOR'S ASS ALL OVER THIS PLACE ANYDAY!" Jack said rising.

"YOUR MAMMA!" Hollyblower I mean Hornblower said rising to meet him.

At this very moment dinner was announced. Mr. Telcontar lead the way followed by Elizabeth who was holding Jane's hand. "Where are you taking us?" Jane suddenly asked.

"Into the wild." Said Mr. Telcontar as dramatic music began playing out of nowhere.

Sophie and Lady Barbara stood and collected their husbands who even though they had been separated continued to make rude hand gestures in each other's direction when their wives weren't looking.

Which of course left Mr. Bennet to drag General Aubrey, who had passed out shortly before, to the dinning-room.

* * *

**A/N** Wow that was really bad...I just alienated four separate fan groups in a single chapter. :bows: I will now move to another country, bleach my hair, and change my name to Jane Doe. 


End file.
